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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 11:11 PM
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Seems like I don't really get to learn what this life is repeatedly teaching me. Today I was again caught off guard and got knocked out. I came out to a battle completely unarmed. Thus, I availed no other resort but to suffer. See this thing is rather but old to me. Yet I always end up having myself in the same inevitable situation.. Curiosity would most often than not stir these countless queries and doubts.. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I made only for such tormenting turmoils? I knew it had to stop. For once, all I'm ever concerned of is finding my own happiness. Yet as soon as it gets within reach, something would often just blew it. How worse could it ever get? At some point, I'm already hating myself. I've already gone through this but I still allowed it to transpire over and over. I'm already getting tired. I just want to be free and at least live a life of essence moreso substance. But the big question is, how would I ever draw that to happen? I barely know my mistakes. But what usually surfaces is my impeccably perfectionist temperament. You see I always give out my utmost best in everything. I greatly extend my whole self to others may they be my family, friends or my significant others at the cost of ignoring moreso neglecting my own self. I thought it was the best way I could ever love. To give in for others and turn back from myself which more often than not puts me in such a miserable place no one would ever want to be in. Guess I was never really cut out for any relationship. For I could barely understand why no one would give even a portion of themselves when I already gave the entirety of my being. Thus, I'm far too sensitive to FORGIVE much more to FORGET the harm that has be done. But nevertheless, I find consolation on the thought that I have loved the way God had. With His whole self amidst all the sacrifices that it entails, through all the seemingly unbearable hardships and incurable pains. Yet this world is not just as ideal. Guess that's basically why I tend to end up as the victim of my own innocence. One day I'd just wake up realizing they were just after money and not really for my company. TRUTH SUCKS BIGTIME! But in its own light you'd see who's real from the hypocrites and who would live with you through hell from the ones who would be with you just for fun.. At the right place.. At the right time.. Everything will unfold by itself. Guess we just have to brace ourselves, embrace the pain it might drag with it and give ourselves that much liberation we rightfully deserve.
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